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Yes, it’s a strong title and yes it’s a strong subject and once again, I need to be vague, I will probably re write a fuller version of this over at Blogspot but for now, those of you who know me and know the people I’m refering too, please comment but don’t use any names ok? After all, her journal is set to private for a reason, I don’t mind people seeing and knowing but I have to protect her privacy above all else.
Yes, I’m metnally ill, call it a condition if it makes you feel better, call it all in my head and an excuse to slack off if you like too (it is after all IN my head that is the problem) I’ve heard it all before and the phrase “water off a ducks back” is pretty apt.
I’m Bi Polar and for the most part the very definition of the word “Manic” in fact, a medical journal describing manic behaviour could have been written about me, it sounded like it was talking about me personally!
But I’m not here to talk about me and my illness, I’m here to talk about how it takes it’s toll on the people you care about, the people who ultimately care for you, love you and have to deal with you on a day to day basis.
You become insular when you’re Bi Polar (well I do at least) you become very self dependent, you make everything about you, your rules, your way, everything is structured, it helps keep a mind that is prone to flick from thought to thought like a bored channel surfer in order.
You also become used to people tip toeing around you, after all, don’t want to rouse the crazy guy right? it’s easy to get your own way, you usually win all the fights, because you can always fall back on your “illness” you have to have these rules because you’re the ill one and how dare they not obey them and follow them to the letter all the time!
How do you argue with that? I mean you want to have your say but the other person has a huge episode and you feel like it’s your fault. It’s the ultimate in emotional blackmail and you can fall into a routine where you sometimes use that as a weapon without realising it.
Another thing about being Manic is you sometimes don’t realise you even are Manic, it’s like being in the centre of a storm, everything around you is a whirling torrent of destruction but you are right in the eye of it and it’s calm and mellow, why is everyone panicking? you can see nothing wrong, why are people so upset?
It’s tough on the people around you, VERY tough, in fact it’s damn hard on them and as you repeatedly bash them into the floor and make them feel like they always have to take a backseat to you and if they protest? well you can play the mental illness card and then they look like they’re just being mean.
So it’s hard for me to keep friends, most get fed up with it, can’t handle it and back off and I don’t blame them one bit, I wouldn’t want to deal with me either, I’m selfish, self centered, direct, aggressive, have a high opinion of myself and my own importance and I am guilty of not listening to the people who matter the most to me.
This weekend, I took a long, hard look at myself, viewing myself from the outside in. Part of my condition is that how I’m feeling inside can have physical manifestations and me throwing up at what I saw in myself should give you an indication of how I felt about it.
I have been hearing but not listening, putting myself first, treating the person I love the most so badly, I’m shocked now that she is even still around, I would have kicked my sorry backside to the curb long ago.
I have said some truly nasty and unforgivable things, screamed at her, shouted, just not been nice and then fallen back on the all too easy excuse of “I need” and “I have a condition” something I swore I would never do, yet I was doing it as if on auto pilot, I hid behind it, I made her feel like her voice wasn’t being heard, she might as well not say anything because it’s not like I would listen anyway, no point in fighting if she knew she couldn’t win.
I despise people like that, yet I was one all along, it’s a harsh lesson to learn and a real slap in the face, call it a wake up call but we never consider how we effect people around us, we don’t think about them and how hard it is to just love us, correction, how hard we MAKE it for people to love us.
We push too hard, we want too much, we expect perfection, we critise and pick at people and worst of all, we don’t even know we’re doing it.
Of course by “we” I mean “me” but I know others with my condition, my illness, who are just like me, I liked to think I coped with things better than they did, didn’t snap, didn’t punish but I do and BOY am I good at it.
I used to brag how I had never raised my voice to her, well I raised it for the first time a few months ago and then tried to make excuses as to why I wasn’t raising my voice, she was wrong, I was right, so she did all she could do, shut up, because I wasn’t listening anyway.
You can’t control everyone, they don’t dance because you’re playing a tune, they’re not puppets they’re people, I have been grossly unfair, I thought fancy dinners, gushy writing, sparklie jewelry and big vacations were the answer, the key to making her feel special.
What was more important was listening, understanding, helping, making her feel an equal, a partner, that what she said was no less important than what I said, in all that, I was a hideous failure.
Those of you that know us, only usually hear of how great things are, you only ever here of the good things I do, it paints me as the big Saint, a great guy who treats his fiancee like a Princess and it’s not totally untrue, I am capable of being that, I do, do those things.
But what you don’t see, because I don’t want to admit it and because she is too nice to say it, is how down right nasty I can be, how my mood can turn on a dime and then turn again, how I can attack and beat you into the floor (verbally, I have never and will never strike a woman)
I honestly don’t know why she is still here sometimes, why she sticks around, this is the effect Mental illness can have on others, this is how hard it can be, yet it’s you that gets the sympathy because you’re the ill one.
It’s not fair and she doesn’t deserve it, my soul searching will be followed by me getting help, because for all my bragging of controlling this thing, in so many ways I don’t control it at all.
Sometimes we all need to see beyond ourselves, take a long hard look at the damage we have wrought and stop blaming everyone else or a condition we have and do something about it, because underneath it all, I love her more than I have ever loved anyone or anything and I have done a crappy job of showing it.
Right now, at this very moment, I have been given a chance to start afresh and I intend to take it, being alone with my thoughts can drive me insane (literally) so it’s ironic that my thoughts have pushed me to spend so much of my time alone.
I’m not going to be held a prisoner by my mind anymore and more importantly, I’m not going to hurt the people around me anymore.
She has given all she has and done her best to make things easy for me, it’s time to return the favour…maybe this post will be a start in that and showing her that I love her.
posted by January 19, 2009 8:33 pm | read comments (13)
Tristram
January 19th, 2009 at 9:03 pm
Maybe she’s still there because she kinda loves you & stuff…?
January 19th, 2009 at 9:09 pm
yeh, maybe, just maybe, she has a big soft spot for you!! *wink*
I just spent two weeks with my mom… she’s on a late stage of Alzheimers. It was so hard to watch her living in her own world, in the past, not recognising us. And then there were the moments where she knew… she knew that her brain is going… she even wrote it down in a note to my dad! It was hard to watch, yet all I could do was go with the flow…. she can’t help it.
I wrote some entries in my wordpress journal about it.
Anyway, it made me understand a lot more…. like her, you can’t help it. {hugs}
January 19th, 2009 at 9:13 pm
& stuff????
Mental health is something you take for granted unless someone you know (or you) is/are struggling with it. It is, however, a struggle overcome by love.
January 19th, 2009 at 9:30 pm
I think it’s so brave of you to write about something extremely sensitive. Many people do not understand it. I worked in mental health for 13 years and seen people struggle with this illness. Im talking about coworkers~~~medical staff, drs, nurses etc. I lost a best friend because she stopped taking her meds. I’m so happy your writing about your personal journey~~thank you for that. Its always a struggle but with a positive attitude and understanding from friends and family~~~you will get through this. Take care of you~
Warm hugs
XX
January 19th, 2009 at 9:58 pm
I agree with my JS mother and Simon taking it out in the open helps you see it for what it is and handle it better. I will head over to the other site to read the full version…I would expect no less of Sammi to be there for you thick or thin, bad or good…that’s what you do for someone you love
January 20th, 2009 at 1:09 am
maybe she sees past your illness and just sees you and thats who she loves and stays around for!
January 20th, 2009 at 1:57 am
I am with CT here. This is a brave post. Please remember she is your fiancee because she loves you. Number 1. You don;t have to be always good, to be loved. Number 2. Love means you stick by someone good, bad, up, down and the inbetween. We support you both and are here for you. Maggs
January 20th, 2009 at 10:13 pm
I remember in my marriage vows..in sickness and in health.. through the good times and bad that is what relationships are all about.Sam loves you , there is no doubt about that. So stop worrying Tris and just feel the love.
January 21st, 2009 at 10:05 pm
1)Thank you. Because my brother just got diagnosed with bi-polar- You explained it better than any research I have found. I don’t let it excuse his behavior. But I certainl understand him much better. 2)I am in recovery for anorexia. I can relate to how selfish I was at times. People not understanding this is a mental condition. Friends just walking away. Why? because they said they didn’t understand. Most don’t even try to understand mental conditions. 3) I have taken John to hell and back over the past 10 years or more with this battle. But it is the unconditonal love that helps us move forward, hold on to hope and not give up. I see that in your Princess. She never puts conditons on anyone she cares about. You are going to be fine. I have had two good years of recovery. It creeps in from time to time. But I just push it on back. I do get that our conditions are different but the same in the understand/or lack of with mental conditions. ((HUGS))
January 22nd, 2009 at 4:30 pm
I guess I just look at things in my own little way. Conditions aren’t the first thing I see when I think of you, or anyone else. Yes it’s a part of you, a big part, but it’s not the ONLY part, there’s so much more to you than just that one part, it’s not the only part that matters. (ha, I can think of another “part” that matters!) I said right from the start that I see Tris, I don’t see “Bipolar Tris”. There’s the history buff, the Walking Wiki, the jokester, the super-proud uncle, the big brother, the son, the proud almost-stepfather, the hard worker, the Lovah, the Vikings fan, the world traveler, the guy who played kickball and basketball in his younger days, the future husband and future father of a big strong little boy. He just happens to be bipolar, too, but that’s not ALL he is.
Same goes for Cutie, I see “her” first. I don’t think OH there’s Recovering Anorexic Cutie, I think OH there’s Cutie. It’s a big part of her but it’s not the only part, there’s a lot more to her (and you) than just that. She’s a good mom, she loves the panthers, she loves PINK, she likes ice cream, she’s raised a special needs son, her daughter’s one of her best friends, she learned to surf, she has awesome purses and sunglasses, she likes makeup and nails and salon days, she looks better in a bikini than I do, she loves N’awlins… and BESIDES all of that, she just happens to be recovering from anorexia. There’s more to a person than just their condition.
You’re not “just” your conditions, you’re PEOPLE who happen to HAVE conditions.
January 23rd, 2009 at 4:29 am
sammi-that is why you are loved so much!! Just by how you love. I have never been one for labels. Everyone can probably be labeled in one way or another. We all have are ’special needs” what the heck is normal? I am not sure there is a normal person. We are all unique and that is what makes each of us who we are. Love to you both.
January 23rd, 2009 at 9:36 pm
Aww, thank you guys, I really need to get better at replying to comments but everything you have all said means a lot.
Thank you!
January 25th, 2009 at 7:20 am
It sounds like you’re doing really well. I’m not surprised, though. I noticed that a lot of my old destructive behaviours diminished when I was with the right person, and you and Sam seem so right together.
Sending you both good wishes. *hugs*